Fall 2013 Couture: Jean Paul Gaultier

No JP has ever let me down. Remember, silly me of course you do, in Hollyoaks when John Paul and Craig hooked up and JP raced to the train station to stop Craig leaving? The best telly that will ever be on in my David Attenborough perving, Location Location Location Sky+ing, paying for Geordie Shore on my iPhone when abroad, expert opinion. Also my BFF was seeing a boy we nicknamed JP and he did not let me down by skidaddling his boring ass to Hong Kong. Plus every Jean Paul you ever meet has a sexy French accent. Reckon I've proved my point, JP's are great, it's a fact. If one of my bezzies or I yell 'FACT' after we've agreed someone looks like a potato or a goat or has the face of a koala when sad, a dolphin when curious, a giraffe when happy and Dobby the rest of the time (soz boyf) then it becomes established as fact. JP's are life's winners. FACT.

And here we have Jean Paul Gaultier, probs my fave JP (AFTER JOHN PAUL), yet again killing it with his Fall 2013 Couture show. How Jean Paul, HOW are you still creating innovative looks from your signature 1980s bustier, recognisable to the masses in the form of the iconic bottle of the Jean Paul Gaultier Classique perfume. The finale dress in the couture show emphasises this form to almost cartoonish proportions; ridges follow the dramatic curves of the dress in a piece that for me, with my immature pop-fashion references, is the adult version of Jeremy Scott's 2006 ice cream cone boob dress. Aged seventeen I needed this dress more than I needed to lose my viriginity. As with all of JP's clothes, this finale dress is for grown ups. His couture is for a woman who is confident in her sexuality, who is outlandishly sexy even when wearing a long-sleeved dress down to her knees and a veil. There's no messing with a JPGirl. Anna Dello Russo is one of few women who can pull it, and anything, off. I imagine I will forever feel and be too childish.

The OTT form of the finale dress is mirrored throughout the collection, there's an LBD or boxy red jacket for the more conservative among us. So not me, so obvz I'm after the rich ochre dress that swirls around the model's bod like caramel over ice cream. Saucy. As anyone who has continuously read this blog will know (Hello? Anyone? HELLO?) I am a sucker for a biker jacket, so send a leopard one prowling down the catwalk and I'm like the cat who got the cream. There's sumptuous fur, brocade and velvet throughout; whoever gets her hands on these pieces is gonna have to be rich  not only in sensuality but in dollar. Being rich in neither I have fastened myself an ice cream cone bra and when it rains I too shall be rich. In molestation.

MdV x

ALL PHOTOS: STYLE.COM

Spring 2014 Menswear: JUUN.J

I would wear every single one of these looks. How often can you say that about a Menswear collection? Korean designer JUUN.J has got it down. Men hold all the style titles in Korea (yes I can give examples of awards; King of Style, Most Stylish, Miss Style, Style Bafta ok?). The radest women in Korea just work men's clothes. I reckon it's the same here in England (course I do, my wardrobe hasn't seen a floral skirt since I was eight, once these clown feet grew there was no kidding anyone I was a girl; hey as long as you've got denim underwear on instead of trousers you're sexy yeah? No? What?).

Cited as an influence was that dahhhhling of the 1980s Princess Diana... Jokes, can you see her in leather hot pants? OI SNAP OUT OF IT, ATTENTION BACK TO ME. She is the People’s Princess and an angel; get your mind out of the gutter you dirtbag, I’m loving angels instead (thanks Robbie). Nah it was Claude Montana who inspired Juun with his Stretch Armstrong giant-shouldered aesthetic, perfect for my giant rowers shoulders (ok ok I rowed for a year... in the world championships... stop bringing it up alright it's embarrassing). Yep clown feet and body of a piece of Toblerone; I'm a babe.

The numbered jerseys are set to ride the wave of Astrid Andersen’s success in Korea. Send one to G-Dragon ASAP Juun and you’re set; ₩millions in the bank, it’s high rollin’ from the second he #s your name. Whilst you’re at the post office Juun pop the white shorts suit in the post for me please, ta. Shame these beautiful male models whose feet I worship at will look far more feminine in this little hot-panted suit than me. Give me your eyebrows boys, they're perfection. You may have my mono in return; one truly is the loneliest number.

I got a startle on (is this a phrase?) as the jumpers - or *nasal American accent* sweaters - swaggered out at the end, they were such a sharp contrast to the rest of the collection's feel which was monotonous, the detailing in the garments construction. Everyone buzzes off these Mark Ryden-esque Pop-Surrealist characters, and none more so than me, so perhaps no surprise I want one, I need one, got to have it, now I made it, I'm addicted, now I'm feigning CAUSE ONCE YOU GET ONE YOU DON'T WANNA LEAAAAVE. Soz any excuse for a bit of Eminem... except he's talking about cocaine addiction... so it probs doesn't relate... Cue 'Fashion addiction is like totally as bad as heroin' Kim Kardashian, ladies and gentlemen. Jokes she didn't say that; the word 'addiction' is too long for her. Appolz, her name doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same post as designs of this caliber.

Except if I'm saying 'WOAH JUUN.J'S AMAZINGGGGG HE IS A DEITY HE IS EVERYTHING, GET HIM NEAR ME GET HIM IN MY ARMS... I hate Kim Kardashian'.

Over and RANT.

MdV x

ALL PHOTOS: WWD.COM

Spring 2014 Menswear: DSQUARED2

The show opens upon a gloriously kitsch background of a jungle and waterfall, like a sexy summer snow globe you wanna pop on your mantelpiece and shake ‘til those boys wiggle. This is the porno version of Lord of The Flies, Lord of the Guys, where every castaway is more ripped than the last. Get me up there, it's a lady's dream eh? Until you realise that, just like if you were to go on that TV show Shipwrecked - you remember, insanely good lookin' 18 to 30 year olds all thrown together on an island and given nothing to do except tan their sexy bods and make babies - no one would be looking at you with your vaginary armpit skin and 'oh so retro but oh sooo hiding enough tires to build the Michelin Man (he's made of tires right?)' tankini. The clothes at the DSQUARED² show were always going to pale next to this splendour. To minimise this problem Dan and Dean, the boys behind DSQUARED²’s decadence, had a stroke of genius and sent their castaways out in minimal clothing. Bare George of the Jungle. Mo' show than clo(thes) yo.

With this opening I was thinking I was gonna write about it being more YMCA than DKNY. HARRIET YOU UTTER HOMOPHOBE, COULD YOU NOT FIND A LESS STEREOTYPICAL REDFERENCE? Well no actually, because then out came Native American, and ooh there he is, G.I. Jungle Safari Man. Then came my weakness; Biker Man. Send out a perfect, matt, quilted, black leather jacket and I'm sold on a show. I'm a leather slut; soz cows I'll leave you your milk and take your skin thanksss. Designers whack a leather jacket in your collection and I'm yours, espesh in a collection of bods like this.

Wait the bods have gone... Ok I'll talk about the clothes. We get a drastic switch to bomber jackets, seemingly a staple of all the Spring 2014 Menswear collections. I luuurve the spotted brown silks against the matt mint-greens. George of the Jungle's moved to the city where his Marvelous Medicine is making him a shitloada dollar. He's working a smoking jacket and medicine bag and strutting like Jane's watching. The white short sleeved shirt BUTTONED UP TO THE COLLAR - come on boys these are the basics - paired with black leather shorts is my fave combo. Definitely ok for any boyf of mine to wear this (I'll be able to tell whether you actually read this like you say boy, your face will say it all the next time I see ya; look at me like you're sick of me projecting my 'I'm the boy wearing the trousers, you're the girl in a blouse' fantasies onto you and I'll know).

So Dean and Dan've got ya summer wear sorted (nothing). They got your suits for winter. I'd have to go with the skorts probably not being ok on your man, but hey each to their own yeah? To finish the show we've got a few more rounds of the teeeeeny tighty-whiteys, a grass skirt and some tiny little twins in suits. Take it from me boys, from one attention seeker to another, you can never go too far.

MdV x

 

                   

ALL PHOTOS: STYLE.COM