Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Resort 2014: Gucci

GUCCI GUCCI LOUIS LOUIS FENDI FENDI PRADA, BASIC BITCHES WEAR THAT SHIT SO I DON'T EVEN BOTHER.

Oi Kreayshawn, if you're calling this collection basic you got it alllll backwards babe. This is bare luxury. Lounge-wear, aka pajamas, in proper fancy fabrics that are so unnecessary in your life, so not basic, so nonessential, that you'll find yourself needing them. Same as when you NEED a Chanel bumbag to keep your YSL cigarettes in. Sometimes, and I apologise for this, but sometimes life's better with a label. This collection's totes boring ole Bianca Maciaz jetting off to St. Tropez on the arm of Mick to become the iconic Bianca Jagger. This collection is made for the bod of a bond girl, travelling on a private jet. Don't you even think about wearing it, peasant. 
Of course I can think about wearing it. The fabric of the loose caramel top and trousers is EXACTLY that of the Miss World 1998 outfit I wore to school in my youth - great idea for a fancy dress outfit Ma, just how arrogant do you wanna make a child? Thanks you enabler, you've made me what I am today - so obvz I've been set for this life from the beginning. Kinda hoping it'll hurry up now; I'm ready to get glamouruccied. For those of you us who have to work for a living, this collection does introduce a new looser, freer work-wear aesthetic that will work for those of us who don't have the Pepperami limbs required to fit into cigarette pants. All that walking to places really bulks up your legs eh?

A face kept popping into my mind as I viewed this collection, the face of a strong featured and strong minded woman with glowing, glorious Cuban skin. Bloody Eva Mendez. She could work these looks like no other; tie a headscarf round her head, pop Ryan Gosling's hand in hers and away she glows. I'll wear the jumper that makes me 'FRIDA'S' if it'll get me a ring that says I'm Ryan's.










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Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Resort 2014: Clover Canyon

Like last season, designer Rozae Nichols owes everything in this collection to Mary Katrantzou. These digital prints and patterns have been done to death, not by our Mary; she keeps getting better and better - follow her on Instagram, she seems like a lovely lady -  but by the high street. Hey I still like it. It's obnoxious and I. Like. It. The brattish chain-smoking and smokin' hot grandma on the front of one of the collection's tees is everything I hope to grow up to be; Head to toe Hermès (hey this is my fantasy) and using the guise of frail old lady to outsmart everyone who crosses her path, including Cancer.

I like the two suits at the end. Note use of the word 'like' not 'love'. They are fine. This is worse than me hating them. If someone told you 'that was fine' after you'd given them all yo' best moves all night long babayyyy, you'd probs slit your wrists. Hate implies passion, indifference means boredom. The patterned tracky at the beginning is bare Jeremy Scott x Adidas Originals. It's exactly like his winged hoody that has been seen on everyone, apart from Mr Bitter over here, but without the monster face and gnashers that make it AMAZING. Oh well everyone loves a flatform sandal; at least they got good shoes on. This is depressing, pass me a glass of Rozae.

MdV x






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Resort 2014: Just Cavalli

Well this was unexpected. As the first look is revealed, a simple white summer dress that wouldn't look outta place on a Sass & Bide catwalk, or floating about on the faux hippy chicks - 'hippy chick'? Harriet. Stop talking like a mum - of Tumblr, I'm surprised. And I want it. Before embarking on every diet/excercise fad I've ever tried this is exactly what I plan on looking like at the end of it; the glorious golden haired, golden limbed, golden life-ed Erin Wasson look (it always ends with me wiping my eyes with McDonald's napkins, salting my McNuggets with my tears as the Ronald on my shoulder wears away the fake 'golden' tan on my shoulder with his victory dance. Sigh.)
 
The suits are amazing. I know, yes KNOW, I would get any job if I turned up in that 'Top Gun's 2070 remake' outfit. Suarve ice suit? Check. Cold bitchy face and greasy hair? Well two outta three ain't bad (thanks Meatloaf, thanks for everything). I love the bow backed shirt and the avalanchic (avalanche + chic = I am clever) jumper. I adore the leopard fares that are the tacky Cavalli we know and love; totes fresh off a market stall and totes hipster fodder. Roberto, you're as cold as ice, you're willing to sacrifice... taste in favour of being an astronaut. Something I'm totally onboard (my spaceship) with.
 
MdV x
 




 
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Sunday, 26 May 2013

Resort 2014: Moschino Cheap & Chic

The Resort collections are never the ones that stick in your head (I'm guessing, too much wine equals very few memories...) so here's hoping this collection leaves mine before my lispy face can even splutter Mosthino Theap & Theec.

The black shirt with floral squares is the only item I'd envision having fad potential, the tie dye looks are unfortunately straight out of a Motel lookbook. Moschino's Cheap & Chic collections should be giving us cheaper 'it' items to rival Rodarte's RADARTE t-shirts or Christopher Kane's animal tees. Come on Rossella Jardin, you've got all the potential right there in your archives. See DKNY cashing in on a vintage revival this season, and the success of Jeremy Scott's novelty garms. Franco Moschino was doing novelty before Scott or anyone (even Mrs Fenty) had even heard the vocal stylings strangulations of a young Robyn Rihanna Fenty, even before Scott's Kylie loving days (oh the shame, soz kids, it happened). Instead we've got everyone buying 'vintage' (decade old) Moschino and Moschino fakes (as long as they've got the gold lettering eh?) from the vintage stores smothering Brick Lane. 

There's oversized lace. Layered over mustard dresses. This is Chloe. The model looks like she's got the Lagerfeld for Chloe perfume box stuck to her teeny angry frame. It could even be Miu Miu or Vuitton Spring Summer 2012, but Moschino? Nah. Vuitton's exaggerated lace from that 2012 collection sticks in memory (despite the Frosty Jacks abuse). Ok Moschino, exaggeration is your thang - giant strawberry dress anyone? 'YES PLEASE' my voice screams from the back - but LV got there first, by two years. Let. It. Go. Don't just hope everyone's forgotten. No one forgets a Kate Moss catwalk. 

Dress me as a fruit salad, that's fine, just don't bore me. I'm gagging to see how this collection is styled in their flagship stores' windows. Always my fave windows; the strawberry dress in Hagrid's massive blender was wonderful. It's this originality we look to Moschino for, it's why we don't bat an eyelid when they change their name to Love Moschino. Because we do, truly. 

MdV x






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Thursday, 23 May 2013

Resort 2014: DKNY

YES YES YES. They're back baby. DKNY finally cottoned on to the value of their 90s aesthetic (get searching 'vintage DKNY' on eBay with the rest of us, come on keep up) with their Opening Ceremony collab at the beginning of the year. Great job sending it all to Rihanna first, that girl is a walking billboard (as long as that billboard ain't for Women's Aid), she's guaranteed to get papped 'n' slapped in it. DKNY haven't vommed their logo all over this collection but it does feature twice YAY. Hey Anna Wintour's still gotta like it and I don't think her look's quite 'TLC pre Left Eye loss when everything went tits up'; that's for the Opening Ceremony customer, i.e. me. 

Soz Beyoncebut I'm a bit over all the gold metallics. Though DKNY I agree, if you're gonna jump on a bandwagon jump on one that's delivering current street style faves; the bomber jacket and cap. Good shout Donna, you'll have Wintour rockin' a snapback in no time and hollering 

Hat 2 da back I gotta dick my pants down real low
That's the kinda girl I am
That's the kinda girl I am
Hat 2 da back I gotta kick my pants down real low
That's the kinda girl that I am

MdV x 








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Spring 2013 Couture: Jean Paul Gaultier

I thought I'd continue on with the latest collections; the next from Resort 2014. However I looked at Oscar de la Renta and Bottega Veneta and, sorry, but am I missing something? Have we just declared a world war? Get your ration books out everyone and start hoarding your clothes 'cause it looks like both Oscar (who's final looks, with their elegance and drama, ALWAYS get me horny) and Tomas Maier (who's leather work always leaves me drooling - where are the bags I need?) are expecting a mass loss of dyes, fabric and happiness. These collections seem unnecessarily austere (apart from Oscar's giant bubblegum finale dress in his trademark fuschia, a piece of which everyone has surely wanted since Alexandr Petrovsky bought Carrie Bradshaw that Spring 2004 dress from his 'old friend Oscar' and we all decided we would put up with grouchy ole Petrovsky's wrinkles, no matter where they were or what they were touching, for that dress... No? Just me then?)

This ain't for me so I'm going to chat about Spring 2013's couture offerings YAY; what we really should be wearing whilst the world's still got sun, health and colour (I'm one of those optimistic people who, if I knew me, I'd wanna hit me). Oscar and Tomas can Dig For Victory; I'm digging through Jean Paul Gaultier's imagination.

It could not be futher removed; where Oscar would have us eatin our animals for substinance, JPG wants us coating them in gold and wearing them. Suddenly a gold python coat seems like a necessity. Frivolous? Yes. What fashion should be? Definitely. There's no sign of scrimping and saving, we KNOW there's a recession blah we knowwww, but stalking couture should give us one moment we don't have to think about that. It's pure fantasy. Though critics have derided the collections as being totes 'Real Housewives of Mumbai', I reckon JPG's just doing the travelling you can't afford to do. Rather than being inspired by the rich colours of the spices in Marrakesh market, or the batik-dyed fabric of the Maasai Mara tribe, or... PIPE DOWN WE'VE SEEN IT ALL BEFORE. Instead of seeing 'beauty in poverty' as designers expect us to believe they have season after season in a spiel of bullshit about a country they don't even have time to go to, Gaultier's perving on the wealthy women of these countries. Hello, their bazzilionaire pigs-in-muck(oil) hubbies are the only peeps who can afford to buy couture anyhoo. 

I'm going to stop stalking the #RichKidsOfInstagram. #RichKidsOfUzbekistan is clearly where it's at.

MdV x





 


 
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Tuesday, 21 May 2013

Fall 2013 Ready-To-Wear: Jeremy Scott

I feel like it was TIME ago when this collection came out, what wIth Jeremy's endless shout-outs on Twitter from every celeb you've ever wanted to be or pitied with your 'everyone will hate them soon, they're like sooo try-hard' well jeal attitude. Obvz I love it. Obvz I'll buy a lot of it. Obvz the reaction against this ironic 'I'm a 90s cartoon' look - as lead by Scott's collab with Adidas Originals - will start A$AP. Obvz I'll regret ever buying any of it.*

But for now whilst I'm 24 (and mentally 16), before my wardrobe choices become about furthering my career, or concealing parts of my bod, fashion is fun. As one of the tees in this collection states 'Adults suck and then you are one'. If fun, according to Scott, means wearing a neon yeti suit on a date, a suit patterned with eyeballs to the opticians or a top that looks like it's munching my tummy (hilarious and genius) to Nando's, so be it. Where he goes I will follow.

Sales will start plummeting for those ripping off Scott's designs but as always Scott will be one step ahead. There's enough here that's wearable even if you're not Rita 'Look at me, NO LOOK AT ME' Ora; the leopard print pieces, a biker jacket and mini skirt in particular, and the exquisite cut of a pair of tartan trousers and a PVC bustier. These outfits that appear in between the innovative, crown-pleasing, satirical looks prove that Jeremy ain't going anywhere yet. The backlash may be coming, but he'll get off Scott free.

MdV x

*See: My House of Holland 'DO ME DAILY CHRISTOPHER BAILEY' and 'GET YOUR FREAK ON GILES DEACON' tees, my Jeremy Scott Bart Simpson print knitted crop and skirt, my Tommy Hilfiger dungarees that are the exact same that Destiny's Child wore back when Destiny had four children not just one Irreplaceable daughter. They will be hoarded at my parents' house, unworn but serving as my journal, until my kids want them. As The Lion King taught us; it's the circle of life, and it moves us all.

PS. Jeremy, how about a Lion King themed collection for Spring 2014?









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