Spring 2014 Menswear: Burberry Prorsum

This is a parade of all the boys your mother would be delighted to greet - having ripped off their ridiculous glasses - when you bought them home. As Christopher Bailey is aware, you can’t go wrong with a tight suit, skinny tie and boat shoes. Espesh in a spring palette of apple green, sky blue - look at my knowledge of summery words - umm sheep-afterbirth fuschia and daisy print. Little does your mother know that under the sharp suit, innocent childlike colours and shiny, shiny shoes the Burberry man (is gay and) has more piercings and ridic tattoos* than the rest of us. That's why we're bringing him home.

*No the '182' on my finger isn't a tribute to the number of English who died in 9/11, nor is it my father's birthday or whatever other bullshit I'll try and sell ya. I went to see Blink 182 aged 14 and got a tad overexcited. Except that I was a decade on from being 14 and it was three months ago...

We probs didn’t need quite so many looks Christopher, fifty seems rather excessive. I’d got the point, and loved it, by look three. As usual there’s a lot here I want to wear which is wonderful as I’m only interested in Menswear that I can wear (which is all of it with these brows and my Hanson hair). A chalk-pink jacket and red quilted jumper in particular should definitely be mine. They’re both slightly reminiscent of 1950s bed jackets, an item I attempted to bring back a few years ago, to no avail. WHY PEOPLE? What’s wrong with padded floral polyester? Just you wait.

I really appreciated Elite Models filling my Instagram feed with the pretty faces of the countless boys in the show they represented. And Mr. Bailey I am endlessly greatful that you’re showing your love for London, that it is a city that can hold its own AND RISE ABOVE the big bullies of New York, Paris and Milan. Though I missed the presence of Romeo Beckham, megababe and star of last season's ad campaign. Pipe down at the back, wait a few years and you’ll see, you’ll allllllll see. My only problem with the show was that I need my dream man to have a puppy; I’m only a girl when it comes to puppies (and male models). Mr. Bailey, I’m seeing wearing tiny little pants to walk your puppy being a massive look for fall… Just a thought.

 MdV x

 

 

                     

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Spring 2014 Menswear: Astrid Andersen

A strong woman playing dress up with her man dolls? This is my kinda designer, and my kinda collection.

Backstage at a Menswear show is the Playgirl Mansion. The most beautiful specimens of man (if like me you go for prepubescent boys with Bambi-eyes and baby faces) gather here topless. If backstage is the Playgirl Mansion, Andersen’s show itself is the strip club. She is hitting the crowd’s G-Spot. The models drip with sweat as they swagger down the catwalk in their peekaboo outfits, tantalising the crowd. They’re dressed in t-shirts with the bottom half entirely absent and a whole lotta man-cleav present; not so much T-shirts as ‾-shirts. Struttin' to Wu-Tang, the models' pace increases until

the sweat drop down my balls
to all these bitches crawl*

*Eastside Boyz's poetry. Alas, I cannot claim it.

This collection seems to have brought out something terrible in me. Turns out I become awfully misandristic, and downright (damnright) feral, when greased up models grind along the catwalk. It's not just the models, for a logo slut like me this collection is an Apple store; branded to within an inch of its life. The Astrid Andersen logo is everywhere. Surely designed on Windows 98 Paint; a few clicks of the Oval tool, type your name in WordArt, pop a ClipArt chain on it and you got a logo that'll last you your career. Which I’m hoping will be longer than the current nineties label-whoring climate lasts. Pipe the hell down Cara, it’s overkill, use your wide range of modeling expressions to show whether you’re ‘BALLIN’’ or ‘HOMIÉS’ or a ‘Supreme Bitch’, a ‘Cuntier’ (Seriously girl?) or ‘WHATEVER’. Or use speech.

It's Andersen's nonchalance, matched in her collections, that makes her clothes so desirable. The clothes are so easy to wear. Wearing that primitive logo printed on your tee, sweater or hoody means you're in Astrid's gang. You're sat on the backseat of the bus next to Chris Brown, whilst CL and G-Dragon and whole choir of other Korean musicians dance around you wearing brands it'll take you another year to realise exist. Stay chilled Astrid; let the clothes speak for themselves, just for God's sake don't let the models talk. They'll blow the illusion of their perfection with their Birmingham accents. NEVER let the model's talk.

Crawl for Astrid boys, for all these us bitches crawl.

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Spring 2014 Menswear: KTZ

East London Egyptians - Eastgyptians? - is how I would, and will, describe this collection. I imagine if the Ancient Egyptians somehow boomed back as a race* they'd be mega powerful, trend wise, covered in gold, have mad swag and probs be dressed in KTZ. Perhaps it is my absolute terror of people dressed in olden-day clothing that makes this collection stomping down the catwalk so threatening. Like when Robin Hood (yes in the Disney version when he is played by a fox - a lot of my friends' first crushes was this foxy character, not me my heart was reserved for Simba) fights the Sheriff of Nottingham dressed in ARGHHHHHHHH 19th Century costume.

*How? I don’t know how Scienceface. Um… because we dug up a new pyramid and when we booby-trapped our way inside the 5000 year old tomb, perfectly preserved in a vacuum (woah science word; hello physics and chemistry A-Level not seen you two for a while) that has kept King Papyrus and his bejeweled army frozen in limbo between life and death. Until we bust open their tomb and subjected them to the glare and smell of the glorious Golden Arches that now surround the pyramids and tipped their scales in favour of life.

Perhaps it is the hold that KTZ have established over the industry, Instagram and me in the last year that provokes the fear. Nah this only scares me in that I may not ever get my hands on a pair of their elaborate platforms. The threat of this collection is that it is part KKK (nothing to do with the Kardashians you child of reality TV, look it up), part suicide bomber, part Voldemort (see the black cloaked looks I need), part Mighty Boosh character and, to round off this motley crew of Halloween fancy-dress characters, a whole lotta gimp.

There's a lot here that's wearable; printed tees, pounches slung nonchelantly around the models' necks, characteristic puffa jackets and sports jerseys. Pieces that will, no doubt, show up on the backs of the influencial at next season's shows. Fashion should be something you've never seen before. Fashion should leave you overwhelmed, perhaps even a bit nervous, and definitely with a feeling of awe. I reckon this feeling is love, have a look and decide for yourself. 

 

 

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Resort 2014: Alexander Wang

 WOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT'S WANG I WANT IT ALL. As always.

I looooove the polonecks, the pleated leather. I would kill anyone Alexander Wang chose (I'm not sure why he would, maybe he hates on someone... please choose Ellie Goulding; I dare you to sing Elton when I'm coming atcha Ellie) in return for the leather jacket, ooh throw in the waistcoat Alex and I'll do a torture too. They're in that gorgeous rough matt Wang leather that wears so well and is drool-proof, that you just want to mulch and caress and eat. I love that Wang's introduced pink into his collections and it's so spot on and fits so well that it should be his pink. It is his pink. Wang Pink; Wink? Nah too girly. The colour's more likely to be called Ego or Cease or Hack. 'Alexander Wang's signature Hack Pink was first seen in his Resort 2014 lookbook.' Yep nailed it.

The final outfit shows me up YET AGAINNNNN as the hypocrite I am, having just schlagged off the brown leather skirt in Sportmax's collection I find myself needing Wang's pleated brown skirt. Not because he's the 'cooler' designer and the darling of the fashion world with his new Balenciaga appointment so I reckon I should love it, clearly I do not mind angering the fash crowds, but because the outfit is perfect. Paired with the oversize green sweater it's a high fashion interpretation of the skater look that everyone's buzzing off right now; Wang's found a way to make himself relevant in an area dominated by skate brands like Vans, Stussy and Supreme. 'Love', 'gorgeous', 'caress', 'perfect', Alexander you drive me crazy. Reckon that's the only 'Alexander' I'll ever say that to. And I haven't even got to the best bit.

BAGS. That characteristic textured leather has been painted white, then bashed and split until it resembles one of my stranger fetishes. Cracked paint. Seriously, the majority of my time at Chelsea College of Art & Design was spent seeking out the dampest, dirtiest areas (not in Chelsea, they don't exist there, in Hackney) and photographing walls and gutters. I poured over books about urban decay and crumbling Cuban mansions, attempting replicate the effects on film. As ever Wang's cracked it (never excuse the pun). As he does every season, he's made the bag that will improve my life dramatically, as goes the argument to my Ma every Christmas. The oversize bag in the final HEAVENLY look is - Ma I know you read this - everything I've ever wanted, everything I want and everything I ever will want. 

Until spring.

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Resort 2014: Stella McCartney

Oh bollocks I love it.*

*If you want to miss my entirely irrelevant but obvz totally justified rant and actually read about the collection skip to the first sentence of paragraph three, or maybs just straight to the last paragraph. You'd be amazed how many tangents I can go off on. 

I really want to be able to dismiss our Stella as being a product of her father's success. YOU’RE THE DAUGHTER OF A MAN WITH GOD-LIKE STATUS, YOUR BEZZIE’S KATE MOSS AND YOUR CHILDREN HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO SURVIVE TO AGES SEVEN AND THREE REPSECTIVELY WITH THE NAMES BAILEY LINDA OLWYN AND REILEY DILYS STELLA, IS THAT NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU? You gotta have a career too? Stella why couldn’t you have just been a socialite? Seems it’s great to hate on Paris Hilton but the offspring of rock-royalty can’t be touched. They’re born, silver cooking-up spoon in mouth, surrounded by a protective halo and spawned from the copulation of prestigious music talent and otherworldly supermodel aesthetics that has somehow powered its way through the chemical condom of drug addiction and eating disorders. Who can hate Georgia Jagger when she battled though Mick's raisin bod to be here? Plus she looks like that in those Hudson ads… We should be grateful for her. My model obsession is out of control, eclipsed only (and my access to them hindered) by my love for McDonald’s.

So every season I block Stella's previous collection out of my mind. I convince myself I wasn't keen from the moment it walked down the catwalk, after I've become sick of seeing everyone I ever wanted to be - Kate, Dakota, Rihanna - and those I really really don't - GWYNETH GWYNETH - flaunting it. Followed by the influx of high street rip-offs in the stifling pages of Heat magazine. Heat magazine, ironically given the name, is the wet blanket that kills the flame of a trend dead.

So Stella, I love this collection. As always, you've given us a new shape - in the drop waisted gowns, minidresses and playsuits - that's suddenly as necessary in my life as Canesten (overshare?). Of course I'm ignoring, as I hope everyone will, the trinket covered dresses that only Lulu Guiness could get away with releasing. As bags. Is there a collab happening I don't know about? No one, but NO ONE, except Rita Ora if Cara told her it was cool, wants to wear the contents of their hangbags pinned to their $1430 Stella McCartney dress. Kate, if you wear this I will lose the last shred of respect I have for you after you sacked off my teenage love the bambi-eyed Peter Doherty and married that teddy bear Jamie Hince who a) loves his bandmate Alison Mosshart more than you, Kate Moss should be second to no one, and b) reminds me of that Narwhale in Elf who pops outta the sea as Buddy leaves the North Pole, 'bye Buddy, I hope you find your daaaad.' Probs because Mr Hince decided to get married dressed as him. Kate has both found her dad and married him. But the memory of those PVC trousers she did the favour of wearing to Glasto 2007 with Peter, as part of the last beautiful rock and roll couple (IMAGINE THE CHILDREN), means the respect's still there. It does increase every year we go without hearing her speak. 'Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels' eh Kate? Except everything.

Soz Stella has there ever been an article written that doesn't mention your bezzie or your Pa? Don't complain they got you where you are. YO' BEZZIE, YO' PA, THEY GOTCHU WHERE YOU ARE, YO' BEZZIE, YO' PA, THEY GOTCHU WHERE YOU ARE. Your daddy's name and your best friend's endorsement may have set you on your way but, as much as we without the saintlike daddy who want to be in the industry hate to admit it, your talent holds you there at the top.

So what we've got here is enough snakeskin PRINT (it's Stella guys, she hearts animals) on bomber jackets and suits to make Kanye squeal. There's a black jumpsuit that Stella's designed for herself, she's already wearing it in the lookbook. Hey that's her prerogative having her own company. The blush pink minidress against the model's black bob make me want to dye my hair and wear it. Always a good sign, my hair senses trends before my brain or bod. This must be why it's falling out in handfuls at the mo; good job folliCOOLs, gwan guys sacrifice yourself and be born again in Stella McCartney. The finale black gown is fantastically cut, drop waisted and minimal. I don't want Stella's BFF, hey gown you can be my black Kate Moss tonight. 

Bow in the presence of greatness. 

 

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Resort 2014: The Row

Ironic that this is the clothing you find in charity shops, ok not the materials which must be what people buy The Row for as the prices are, to use a mum word, EXTORTIONATE. I love the 90s (I'm scared of when this 90s obsession ends. What will be next? The noughties? No one wants to look like Liberty X let's just skip that decade head to this one and get our Courtney Stodden on) look of the long sleeved top under the long dresses that thrift stores are turning away, they have so many. Totes Empire Records. Just need a turned up velvet hat. Mine changed with the seasons - sunflower in summer, Christmas tree broach in winter.

This is what MK&A do, they instinctively create looks, on themselves and the catwalk, that are imitable. Which is great as they're an imitation of each other (clearly MK is the original, Ashley can bore off). 

I'm not a fan of the minimal cuts and cocoon shapes, I'm sick of this shape, no one wants to look like a potato. There's a lot of these shapes in this collection I can't get excited about, though I'm certain if my grubby fingers were ever allowed to brush these garms instead of Selfridge's security bashing them away I'd learn they're totes worth the $30,000 price tag. You can't put a price on wearing baby's skin. Except maybe in Korea.

I heart MK and the A that comes with her. They've got the best hair in Hollywood, however this collection does not get me buzzin as much as stalking their own outfits. I reckon they're going too grown up, too serious, in order to be taken seriously by the old fashion rags n hags. They've left out the fun in an effort to be taken seriously *cough* Victoria Beckham. Stop keeping the best stuff for yourselves girls. Though if I was worth $300m+ I would too. The rest of the world wouldn't even be clothed just incase I wanted to wear the 1980s Nikey vest that the Red Cross has saved for that little boy in Kenya. No one else ever get jeal of their garms on Comic Relief? Just me then.

As serious megababes they are the best models for their clothes, not this boring bint in the lookbook. At least get your minxy sis Elizabeth involved, those tits can wear anything. Not that I'm saying MK&A should never do telly again, So Little Time, recently voted best tv show everrrr (probably), was incred. Sing with me 

SO LITTLE TIME SO MUCH TO DO I'D RATHER SPEND MY DAYS WITH YOU, AND IF THAT DAY IS NOT ENOUGH, MAYBE WE CAN STAY IN TOUCH, I'M NOT MAKING PLANS FOR TOMOOOOOROW, FOR TOMOOOOOROW... NEVER COMES. (This blew my mind after a childhood of Annie singing to me that I would be loved tomorrow, it's only a dayyy awayyyy)

A lovely sentiment plus the show taught me everything I needed to know about handling twin behaviours which, with boy rents having the twin-thang, came in handy. This collection, however I do not think will come in handy. I adore your accessories though MK&A, not remotely handy at those prices but beautiful and desirable and out of reach and everything high-end bags should be. Thanks Mary-Kate, thanks (I suppose) Ashley.

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