Spring 2014 Menswear: DSQUARED2

The show opens upon a gloriously kitsch background of a jungle and waterfall, like a sexy summer snow globe you wanna pop on your mantelpiece and shake ‘til those boys wiggle. This is the porno version of Lord of The Flies, Lord of the Guys, where every castaway is more ripped than the last. Get me up there, it's a lady's dream eh? Until you realise that, just like if you were to go on that TV show Shipwrecked - you remember, insanely good lookin' 18 to 30 year olds all thrown together on an island and given nothing to do except tan their sexy bods and make babies - no one would be looking at you with your vaginary armpit skin and 'oh so retro but oh sooo hiding enough tires to build the Michelin Man (he's made of tires right?)' tankini. The clothes at the DSQUARED² show were always going to pale next to this splendour. To minimise this problem Dan and Dean, the boys behind DSQUARED²’s decadence, had a stroke of genius and sent their castaways out in minimal clothing. Bare George of the Jungle. Mo' show than clo(thes) yo.

With this opening I was thinking I was gonna write about it being more YMCA than DKNY. HARRIET YOU UTTER HOMOPHOBE, COULD YOU NOT FIND A LESS STEREOTYPICAL REDFERENCE? Well no actually, because then out came Native American, and ooh there he is, G.I. Jungle Safari Man. Then came my weakness; Biker Man. Send out a perfect, matt, quilted, black leather jacket and I'm sold on a show. I'm a leather slut; soz cows I'll leave you your milk and take your skin thanksss. Designers whack a leather jacket in your collection and I'm yours, espesh in a collection of bods like this.

Wait the bods have gone... Ok I'll talk about the clothes. We get a drastic switch to bomber jackets, seemingly a staple of all the Spring 2014 Menswear collections. I luuurve the spotted brown silks against the matt mint-greens. George of the Jungle's moved to the city where his Marvelous Medicine is making him a shitloada dollar. He's working a smoking jacket and medicine bag and strutting like Jane's watching. The white short sleeved shirt BUTTONED UP TO THE COLLAR - come on boys these are the basics - paired with black leather shorts is my fave combo. Definitely ok for any boyf of mine to wear this (I'll be able to tell whether you actually read this like you say boy, your face will say it all the next time I see ya; look at me like you're sick of me projecting my 'I'm the boy wearing the trousers, you're the girl in a blouse' fantasies onto you and I'll know).

So Dean and Dan've got ya summer wear sorted (nothing). They got your suits for winter. I'd have to go with the skorts probably not being ok on your man, but hey each to their own yeah? To finish the show we've got a few more rounds of the teeeeeny tighty-whiteys, a grass skirt and some tiny little twins in suits. Take it from me boys, from one attention seeker to another, you can never go too far.

MdV x

 

                   

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